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"Thinking of you, wherever you are...


...Ultimate White Chocolate Dream here I come~!!"

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Sorry guys for not updating anything recently. I wanted to finish off any unsettled issues that I had been dragging myself to do, which includes Cosplay plans. If I do update my Journal, it's either good news or a bad one.

I just had an argument with a friend, if she is considered one, two days ago (it was Full Moon), a meeting I failed to appear. Or did not wish to appear.

I did not deny the fact that, sometimes I tend to be late. It happened when we are meeting as a group (they could entertain each other when I am not around). I seldom is late (will inform 1hr in advance if it happens) if I meet a person alone. This person that I'm gonna talk about, is the first time we are meeting alone.

We had promised to meet at 6:30pm to buy a present for a friend after dragging it for three days - to suit her convenience. I knocked off at 5pm, so I went home to take a short break at home. It took me 15 minutes to leave the house and be there.

I reached the place at the said place, before time. Then I received a text message (2nd sms) from her. A 'reminder' which looked more of a threat (to me), demand to reach at 6:30pm or she'll leave in 10 minutes of grace time. Immediately, I flared. "How could you be mean and send such a rude message without considering whether I AM going to be late or not?" It sounded more like a... Selfish Demand + Disrespectful Judgment from her to me.

So, being consumed by anger, I refused to reply or return call. I turned and walked the other direction. (Which was the start of a problem that will erupt in later story) Neither is she willing to call me when it was 6:30pm to ask where am I. We were... stubborn, waiting for each other to call, so to say.

Time's up, she dropped a text message (3rd sms) and left at 7pm. Again, I did not reply. I was disappointed and weary about her attitude. No calls on either side, stubborn. So I went and searched the present myself for 3 hours before leaving for home. I was suppose to go to a friend's grand's wake with her. But the earlier matter distressed me a lot. I was too weary and tired to think, so I went to sleep. (My other friend is probably disappointed from my unsaid disappearance, I guess)

The next day was pretty hectic. Work is piling up. Colleagues being mean. Didn't have time to take a break in between time. The cold I had was getting from bad to worse. I planned to ask for a visit to my other friend to repay the disappearance. But I didn't had the time to make a call or a text message. The load at work simply make me forget everything. And I gotten myself sick.

Easter day (today), my cold worsen. And it was also today, that the argument started. She dropped me a text message.

She (9.15am) : Hey, I think you are damn rude, for not even show up just because of that reminder message i sent you? Do you think its absolutely right for you to be late, and let others late? Then you arrange at 6.30 for what when you wanna reach like 6.45 or 7?

Me (9:17am) : i was already there when you msged. But seeing your sms w/o even bother to ask where i am, i left cine. It is not a reminder, read ur sms, it is a threat.

She (9:19am) : Then why dont you call me? I know its a threat, because you are always late, and should I beg you to reach on time? Anyway when I say i'm leaving its around 7 already. I waited for half an hour

She (9:25am) : Anyway if its also because of i delay the meetup from sun till thurs, i did give you an reminder, not letting you wait there without telling you. And you didnt even go to the wake coz of this? If you dont want to see me can just told nessa you going on another day or give her a message, be more sensible, and act according to situation

Me (9:29am) : If you sms-ed nicely, so u think i will not call? I ain't always late, esp if need to go somewhere important. You 2n push all the blame on me, i apologise. Lets forget the search. Moreover, u are on budget. Flipper will understand.

She (9:35am) : I dont think the msg i sent is up to anger you, its just a reminding message, and you think yourself why i need to sent that kind of message. Dont think because of this cold war that I have to apologise, princess, because you already return the favour. Push all the blame to you? What blame are there for you to take when you think i'm the one who threatened you in the first place

Me (9:37am) : Yar. You are right. Happy?

She (9:42am) : Happy? You think i'm as childish as you haha. Anyway, if after this you still want this cold war thingy to continue, make sure you break it all by taking the fabric back and get another tailor and get me off all the cosplay plans. Reminder! This is all up to you, because i can stand with you around, if you cant stand me and still need to put up with it, that would be too bad

Me (9:50am) : Nice. Mocking me with names after names when i said nothing on u. Sad. A friendship broke on the wake. Maya will feel more bitter. I couldnt say more since ur pounding ur fury at me. I take the blame, i agree that i'm all in the wrong. What else do you want?

Me (9:52am) : I'm sorry, okay?

She (9:55am) : Let me tell you one thing, now i'm messaging you in a calm manner, my words are harsh, because its serious talk to me. I'm asking you a question just now, and i want you to think and answer me when you thought it through. I dont see a friendship break because its all up to you. I think so far i only call you princess, take note i didnt use vulgarities on you

She (10.01am) : Ok, i hope you treat the argument as a process that we understand each other better. it ends here now, next time meet you better dont give me a *buay song look, if there's more angst you need to give out, do it now

*buay song = Not happy

Me (10.03am) : I want a matter resolved and not pound me a load of fierce msgs pointing right at me. It is not a win-win situation. both sides hav to think instead of me only.

Me (10:05am) : 1stly, i was @ home when i receive ur 1st sms. I got ur 2nd sms when i reached cine. I do find ur sms rude (even if it isnt to u), so i flared & walk off. u prolly expect me to call. But just as stubborn as u, i expect u to call. I hav nth to say after receiving ur 3rd sms. I apologise for assuming, but i do hope u know u do have faults too. I don't like ppl to assume of my actions too.

She (10.11am) : I know I should call, but i did not, but then again, my first message, you are the 2nd person that i ever reminded not to be late. Its not my habit and i seldom do it. So you just treat my message as a treat and started giving your series of attitude, if you not happy just say it, i dont understand silent language

END TEXT CONVERSATION

The argument... seemed to be settled. But I still feel bugged by it. It takes two hands to clap, but in this case, I felt that I'm swatting air. I don't considered it a Win-Win, Actually. It was a Win-Lose. For the whole of today, my heart felt unsettled, heavy burdened. In additional to my sickness, I went faint a couple of times at home when I tried to get up to get something. It was till 4pm I was desperate to hound it to someone but NOT her (who'll ever likes to tell someone who repels whatever things you say?), so I text ~flipperdolphin, one of my closest pal in my friend-list. I shared everything to her, and finally I broke into tears.

I re-read the messages and understood why I feel so bitter. I had made the effort to say sorry and apologise... But in return, there was none from her for her rudeness in her messages. Instead, I was suppose to accept it as a... treat? (refer to 10:11am)

...

1) She had already contradicted herself in her message at 9:19am and 9:35am, admitting it was a threat not a reminder (9:19am), but said otherwise that why I THINK she threatened me (9.35am).

2) Then she called me names, ' princess ' (9:35am) and 'childish' (9.42am), why it seemed more like a provocation, a sarcasm, rather than a vulgar. I don't remember calling her names. Name-callings are for the immature.

3) On her message at 9:42am, I DID thought of just breaking this friendship. She HAD initiated this provocation. She could threatened to break this friendship as easy as a pie. It seemed like... This friendship is not important and without care about the consequences. But to me, my thoughts ran into concern with my other friend... She's also one of my important friend in life - If she'd known this argument happened right before the wake, she will be upset. And I didn't want to upset her. So I took the blame at 9:50am.

It was when the burden weighted me down.

4) It worsened when I had to be the one to think and decide on EVERYTHING. 9.35am, she told me to think myself why she sent that message (in which I did at 10:05am); 9.42am, she told me its all up to me to decide the fate of this friendship; 9:55am, she wanted me to think and answer her, and it was all up to ME; And the last message at 10:11am, she expected me to accept her attitude.

...

That's when I think I'm just swatting air. I don't feel I deserve to receive such harsh treatment.

Even in a conflict, two will talk in proper and will solve it together, through the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty (Loving in your honesty, not hurtful).

But all I felt here is...

Selfish Demands.

Disrespectful Judgment.

Angry Outbursts.

Independent Behavior.

Abuse & Control.

I could not tolerate any longer... Though I knew it will upset my other friend about the truth, and will be angry at me for what had happened, scold me, lecture me or whatever... Or... Or... Or even affect our friendship to a bad end... I have to had it worked out and released the weight from my heart.

My friendship with this lady, is indeed shallow. I had already felt weary of her presence since the beginning when we first met. I knew of her rude attitude and tried to compromise. I disagreed with her thinking but did not bug into it. She does things that irritates me but I kept quiet. When she's late or not appear at all, I'll just drop a message or call her, and shop around or play my game.

Although it is stupid (veeeery stupid) to lose a friendship because of this argument. Just because of one SMS. I had to let it go. I will give up this friendship with her. It will benefit both parties since we are not close and compromising with each other errors - one hates silent treatment, another hates rude attitudes. I had done my part, I HAD raised my hands in defeat, it is up to her to settle her own.

What's the point of winning an argument or debate but loses a friendship?

It is true in this very case.

*phew*

Now I feel better typing all of these out. It had been holding me up the whole day. Cried enough already, time to wash up.

...

In the first place, we shouldn't even had arranged a meet up. We should have gone directly to the wake instead. I had searched the present for 3 hours, I don't think it can be done within 30 minutes, right? My assumption will be, we did not buy the present and ended up a wasted trip.

Stupidity. Why didn't I think logic beforehand?

Actually, I did not really want to share the present. How can I afford to share when it is for my closest friend!? Moreover, I don't think she is close with her either (from her attitude).

There's so many choices I could have chosen but why this?

Sigh...

Regret is one word, Reconcile is another. But there is no Restart.

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